I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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