Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
