Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
