i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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