i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
