i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
