I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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