i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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