I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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