Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
