Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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