I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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