So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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