Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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