im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
