I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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