My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I intend to get homeless drunk
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
