Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
