I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Pants are for mortals
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
