I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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