Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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