Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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