I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
