I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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