Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
