dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
