I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
