i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
