I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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