I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I wear drunk well.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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