my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
