Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
