So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
