Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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