Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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