this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
