I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
