I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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