and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
