I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
