I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize