My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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