i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You are the jesus of drinking
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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