M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
