I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can text with my tongue
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
