my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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