Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
