I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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