Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
