there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
