I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
