since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
