U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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