I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
