This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
