Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
