wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
