Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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