Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He better not be in your backpack
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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