There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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