And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
