I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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