He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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