Duck Duck Cougar?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize