then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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