Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
