I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
last night I used snow as a chaser
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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