ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
