i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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