Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
