She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
