She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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